Me, Myself, and I

beauty, life

I need to find a way to work part-time or job-share, but still make the same money, and without a societally-acceptable reason like actually having a baby. I really just want to catch up on my reading while petting cats and take naps in the afternoons. And weekends just aren’t cutting it.

People always tell me that I wouldn’t enjoy staying home. That without social interaction and purpose I would be bored. Have you met me? Do you know how antisocial I am? Do you know that my favorite pastimes include taking naps and eating? In a circular fashion. Plop me on a couch with a couple of books and a snack and I’m good to go for the week.

I was a single child for seven and a half years before my sister was born and I had no problem entertaining myself. Even after my sister joined me, I still led a solitary existence. I once asked to borrow my sister’s Barbies and shut myself in my room with them for hours. My sister, thinking I must be doing something either sexual or violent with them, peeked into my room. I had the Barbies lined up in a row with sheets upon sheets of printer paper laid out side by side on the floor below them. I was hard at work, denoting an elaborate family tree. The Barbies were the ancestors used as the starting point in my family tree. Barbie married Ken and had nine children. Two of them died at birth, one later on due to dysentery, and one after being scalped by an Indian (you can glimpse the Little House on the Prairie and Dances with Wolves influences dominating my early work). Barbie’s sister Skipper became a nun and had no family. Her other sister Stacie married a wealthy landowner, farmed the land, built a schoolhouse, and birthed six children, all girls. And Barbie’s best friend, Midge, became a whore and ten years later, Ken cheated on Barbie with her and both died of the clap. See? Endless hours of entertainment.

Plus, who actually enjoys waking up at the crack of dawn to go to work? And ditto on the dress code. If sweatpants, slippers and a bag over my head were an acceptable ensemble, I would have no qualms. But squeezing into a work dress that requires Spanx to convert your apple shape into a pear, strapping your freedom-loving twins into a bra, and wedging all ten toes and two bunions into pointy heels? And then wearing these torture devices for at least ten hours, five days a week? I want to pull my hair out.

Speaking of hair, not only do you have to make your body presentable to the corporate world, you have to do something with your hair. My hair doesn’t do anything. Its one talent is to just lay there, volume-less and staticky, with a cowlick in the back. I’ve pretty much given up wearing it down, especially during the sweltering summers. I’ve started to put it up in a bun, which is relatively easy and fast to do. I saw on Instagram a girl making what I call the Turducken Bun. It’s a ponytail inside a braid inside a bun. And it looked so amazing that I just had to try it.

Where do people get all this voluminous hair? After attempting the Turducken Bun, I realized that I barely have enough hair for a ponytail let alone a braid and then a bun on top of that. So instead of a sexy Turducken Bun, what I ended up with was a Man Bun. Nailed it!

Man Bun:

Me Bun aka Man Bun:

Add to the hair torture, makeup, an LA commute, an open-office environment, emails, calls, IMs, texts, in-person conversations, meetings upon endless meetings, and in general, adult responsibility, and you can see how work is overrated. Except for the money, of course. How else would I be able to afford the cell phone service and wireless internet to troll Instagram for Turducken Buns?

Back to the staying at home part. I promise you, if you have ADD like me, you’ll never be bored at home. I don’t actually have to be doing something productive to be preoccupied. I am perfectly content squandering my time doing any combination of the following lackluster activities:

Much like a chimpanzee picking lice off of its chimp mates, I hover over Michael with tweezers, rooting through his head to find grey hairs. When I do, I gleefully pluck them out and line them up in a row next to him to show off my fruitful excavation.

Re-organize my hair ties, socks, dishes, q-tips, cat toys, or vitamins.

Get my cat photos primed, filtered, and ready to post in 2-hour intervals on Instagram. Research new hashtags to incorporate to get more likes. Dream of becoming the next Beth Stern.

Binge read the magazines that are piling up. Start with my US Weekly and Good Housekeeping and work my way up to the New Yorker and the Atlantic. Before getting to either the New Yorker or the Atlantic, get sidetracked researching a beauty product featured in US Weekly on Amazon.com. Forget all about the New Yorker and the Atlantic and focus on buying the Best Mascara Ever along with the Most Amazing Eye Liner and Kate Hudson’s Go-To Moisturizer. Speaking of Kate Hudson, go watch How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

And that’s how you spend a day not working but definitely not bored. Thank you, ADD!

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