Dear Leah


Dear Leah,

Why do you insist on shitting under the couch? But not consistently. No, that would be too predictable. You choose to shit under the couch randomly to keep us guessing. One day you use the litter box, one day you don’t. Then you go back to using it, then surprise! A little present under the couch for mommy and daddy to stumble upon. What a fun game you’ve created. Even more fun was the time you decided to up the ante by shitting on the new toy mommy bought you. That was a fun discovery. Pretty sure no cat wants to swat at a blue feather with a dried poop earring hanging off of it.

We’ve taken you to the vet only to discover $500 later that nothing is wrong with you. We’ve tried different litter boxes and litters. We clean incessantly. We give you more attention, more treats, more love. But no, the game continues. Like they say, where there’s a will, there’s a way. I’m pretty sure “they” didn’t have you in mind when “they” thought that one up.

Quite clearly, you just DGAF. Don’t look so surprised. I have evidence.

DGAF Evidence #1

After mommy spent an hour walking through the house, picking up cat toys from every nook and cranny, and tidily assembling the cat toy pile in the cat toy basket, you came around. And not five minutes go by before this happens. Yet you sit calmly in the middle of the mess that you very clearly created because you simply DGAF.

DGAF Evidence #2

Self-explanatory. Reference aforementioned poop earring if you are still confused. This is mommy’s attempt at making a joke. #2. Haha, get it? No, because you’re a cat. Moving on…..

DGAF Evidence #3

After the cleaning lady spent an hour cleaning the bathroom, and leaving the shower sparking clean and cat-hair free, you decide to turn into Tony Hawk and use the side of the tub as your personal half pipe. Next time I take a shower, I leave with more cat hair on me after the shower than before walking in. Bravo.

DGAF Evidence #4

You are a lady cat. When people hear about the cute, soft and fluffy white and grey cat, they expect to be greeted with this when they come visit:

Not this:

Where is your sense of propriety? It’s missing, because you clearly DGAF.

But back to the poop. There is an upside. Daddy has decided that the way to prevent you from shitting under the couch is to get a new couch with no space underneath. This dovetails nicely with mommy’s desire to get a new couch. Mommy’s standing argument/whine for getting a new couch is because she stopped liking the existing couch which, for her, is perfectly sound rationale. But for some strange reason that wasn’t good enough rationale for daddy. So thank you for creating a reason that works. At this rate, you’ll help mommy redecorate the entire house by prompting daddy to get new “no space underneath” furniture for every room after you shit under all existing furniture. Yippee!

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