Sometimes I get it into my head that I can be Martha Stewart, Giada De Laurentiis, or Paula Deen, despite repeated evidence that cooking/baking/cutting an onion is in fact, not in my toolbox of life skills.
I read a recipe in a magazine, see one on a cooking show, or borrow one from friends and family and have the overwhelming belief that I am going to make this lamb roast, butter cake, poached pear compote, etc., and it will turn out pleasing to the eye and delectable. Never have I actually achieved both of these adjectives at the same time, and my forays into Betty Crocker-land leave much to be desired, yet I keep trying.
I’ve toned down my experimentation from frou-frou recipes that were breaking my wallet and requiring exotic (basically, any fruit or vegetable outside of the main fruit/vegetable display at Ralph’s is by definition exotic to me) ingredients to more pedestrian fare. I went from compounding butter with the Barefoot Contessa to dumping it directly into a bowl with Paula Deen. From sixteen ingredients to five. Mise en place, be damned!
And yet, despite these simplifications, my results did not improve in the slightest.
This weekend, since I am still recovering from being sick, I decided to take it WAY down in terms of goal-setting and wanted to try two things:
- Make a box cake recipe and make the frosting have airy whipped peaks, and
- Try my sister’s taco crescent ring recipe, which is basically cooked ground beef placed inside crescent rolls and baked in the shape of a ring.
With little patience, I started to frost the cake before it cooled, which made the cake tear apart and made me cover up the tears with more frosting. So instead of airy whipped peaks of smooth frosting, you get Jackson Pollock assaulting a cake.
RECIPE MY SAD ATTEMPT
With the taco crescent ring recipe, the ingredients and recipe were so simple, that I decided to wing it from memory and a summary in my sister’s text instead of taking the two seconds to actually google it and make sure I didn’t forget anything. So of course, not only did I forget something (cheese!) but I inverted the shape and instead of a lovely crescent ring, you get a crescent blob.
RECIPE MY SAD ATTEMPT
NAILED IT AGAIN!
The moral of the story: drink wine, eat bread, pet cats, but please step out of the kitchen.